One Day ... Soon I Hope

Someday I know I will look back on these blogs I've written and be amazed at how things have changed. At the moment, the stress level is EXTREME. The pressure of just living each day out, with all of the demands on my time, energy and finances. My ability to focus AND be productive is inhibited by it. My ability to control my emotions is inhibited. And, my faith is being pushed to its limit. I feel fear. It seems as if bad news, which I translate into "spiritual attacks" come at me from every direction. I can't find relief, try as I do.

I know God, that He is with me, He is for me, He loves me and that should comfort me, but like the Psalmist, my heart is not comforted.

In Ps. 77 Asaph writes, "I cry out to God; yes, I shout. Oh, that God would listen to me! When I was in deep trouble, I searched for the Lord. All night long I prayed, with hands lifted toward heaven, but my soul was not comforted. I think of God, and I moan, overwhelmed with longing for his help. You don't let me sleep. I am too distressed even to pray! I think of the good old days, long since ended, when my nights were filled with joyful songs. I search my soul and ponder the difference now. Has the Lord rejected me forever? Will he never again be kind to me? Is his unfailing love gone forever? Have his promises permanently failed? Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he slammed the door on his compassion? And I said, "This is my fate; the Most High has turned his hand against me.? ... BUT, then I recall all you have done, O Lord, I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago."

I have no choice but to persist in prayer. To continue in my earnest pursuit of his presence, in his presence I know I will find his help, his power. I have no choice but to stand on his covenant word and promise to me. In this present darkness, I will sing of your glory and kingdom.Under this heavy weight of life that is upon me, I will depend on you alone. I have no choice because I made my choice already and that choice is to follow you alone.

At First

So, at first, like yesterday, I was really hating being where I am in life right now. With my son leaving home this week it just seemed like the close of one phase of mommyhood, and quite frankly, I'm not ready for that. But, then, like today, I took my eyes and put them on the great things that are yet ahead for me. So much depends on where we set our eyes. What you see truly becomes what you get.

The Red Lamp

So, the other day my son left for a missions trip to Australia. I want every good thing in life for him. Every dream to come true for him and every experience to be genius. I want him to grow and be all that God has for him to be. To travel and have a big life. But that still doesn't make his absence here any easier for me to bear. So the red lamp. When he moved back into the house a few months ago, he brought home this red lamp. I put it on this buffet table right outside of my bedroom and its the light we'd leave on at night for the last person home to turn off. It was almost never me and almost always him that would be the last one in and would turn off the lamp. Well last night I had to turn that lamp off. Tears flooded down my face. The reality that he's not here ... who knew it would be so hard. Not me.