Flowers Still Bloom

"Jehovah Jireh, my provider, His grace is sufficient for me. My God shall supply all my need, according to His riches in glory. He shall give His angels charge over me, Jehovah Jireh cares for me."

Those are the words of a song we regularly sang once upon a time. Its based on Philippians 4:19, and Psalms 91. These words have been the solid rock upon which I have stood and that have carried me through many storms including this most recent one.

I was sure when I started this blog site that I would regularly visit it and record thoughts, feelings and ideas. Well, so much for good intentions. So much has changed since I last wrote anything here. 2 years have gone by and as I re-read those blogs, I remember what a difficult time I was in. It was right about then that the financial condition of our nation was just a few months into it's serious distress. There was no way that we would be spared the terrible effects of the nations economy. As our people lost jobs, wages, homes, cars, everything needed to be adjusted. It was extremely difficult and I remember days and nights of desperate prayers to my King and God for help and rescue. All the necessary adjustments in spending that we had to make didn't seem to bring us any relief at all. Day after day of speaking the word, claiming Gods promises to provide, didn't seem to make any difference either. It had been a long time since I had to daily check my bank balance to make sure that I had money in my account, and that is where I found myself ... again.

Its been a disastrous two years, but God in His loving mercy and grace, has been so faithful to walk along side me. If I learned anything it is that peace of mind and heart has nothing to do with circumstances and events. Peace of mind comes from bringing your mind and heart into God's presence in worship and adoration. Quieting your anxieties comes from changing your focus from yourself to God. There were many times, sometimes daily, that I would not be able to sleep, or I would wake up at 2 in the morning, completely stressed out. Knowing that me stressing about our financial condition would not change anything, I would get out of bed, get down on my hands and knees and worship and pray. And, always, in a matter of 30 minutes, peace would come. Peace that passes understanding from the God of peace Himself.

I have come to realize that even in the very worst of circumstances, flowers still bloom, the sun still rises, the rain still falls, babies are born and God remains, so I must take a deep breath, look around, smile and have faith in the God who loves me, in God, who is God alone and there is no other.

He was with me during this distressed time, and He is with me now. He IS Jehovah Jireh, my provider.

One Day ... Soon I Hope

Someday I know I will look back on these blogs I've written and be amazed at how things have changed. At the moment, the stress level is EXTREME. The pressure of just living each day out, with all of the demands on my time, energy and finances. My ability to focus AND be productive is inhibited by it. My ability to control my emotions is inhibited. And, my faith is being pushed to its limit. I feel fear. It seems as if bad news, which I translate into "spiritual attacks" come at me from every direction. I can't find relief, try as I do.

I know God, that He is with me, He is for me, He loves me and that should comfort me, but like the Psalmist, my heart is not comforted.

In Ps. 77 Asaph writes, "I cry out to God; yes, I shout. Oh, that God would listen to me! When I was in deep trouble, I searched for the Lord. All night long I prayed, with hands lifted toward heaven, but my soul was not comforted. I think of God, and I moan, overwhelmed with longing for his help. You don't let me sleep. I am too distressed even to pray! I think of the good old days, long since ended, when my nights were filled with joyful songs. I search my soul and ponder the difference now. Has the Lord rejected me forever? Will he never again be kind to me? Is his unfailing love gone forever? Have his promises permanently failed? Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he slammed the door on his compassion? And I said, "This is my fate; the Most High has turned his hand against me.? ... BUT, then I recall all you have done, O Lord, I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago."

I have no choice but to persist in prayer. To continue in my earnest pursuit of his presence, in his presence I know I will find his help, his power. I have no choice but to stand on his covenant word and promise to me. In this present darkness, I will sing of your glory and kingdom.Under this heavy weight of life that is upon me, I will depend on you alone. I have no choice because I made my choice already and that choice is to follow you alone.

At First

So, at first, like yesterday, I was really hating being where I am in life right now. With my son leaving home this week it just seemed like the close of one phase of mommyhood, and quite frankly, I'm not ready for that. But, then, like today, I took my eyes and put them on the great things that are yet ahead for me. So much depends on where we set our eyes. What you see truly becomes what you get.

The Red Lamp

So, the other day my son left for a missions trip to Australia. I want every good thing in life for him. Every dream to come true for him and every experience to be genius. I want him to grow and be all that God has for him to be. To travel and have a big life. But that still doesn't make his absence here any easier for me to bear. So the red lamp. When he moved back into the house a few months ago, he brought home this red lamp. I put it on this buffet table right outside of my bedroom and its the light we'd leave on at night for the last person home to turn off. It was almost never me and almost always him that would be the last one in and would turn off the lamp. Well last night I had to turn that lamp off. Tears flooded down my face. The reality that he's not here ... who knew it would be so hard. Not me.